Wednesday, February 22, 2012

February 22nd

February 22nd is a weird day for me.

Last year on this day I felt everything crumble around me.  Everything I had planned up until then no longer mattered.  It's not a big secret, I was really hopeful for when Sam came home in January.  I think that's one of the reasons I put off going back to school.  I wanted to be home when he got home so we could rekindle the kind of relationship we had before, only without the barrier of an impending mission.

Well, that wasn't the case.  February 22nd was the day he told me he had a girlfriend.  For the past year, I've allowed myself to become closed off to those around me, I've become more untrusting of the people who are closest to me, I've become reluctant to care too deeply for anyone.  In some ways it's been my hardest year yet, but in other ways it's been a huge blessing.

Despite all of the emotional changes, the devastation, and abandonment, I've been blessed with so many new experiences.  With nothing holding me back, I made plans and changed them to fit what I wanted and needed.  A year ago today I decided to go back to BYU-Idaho. A week later, I was offered a job at Starbucks, which I accepted immediately.  That job was glorious, albeit challenging.  Not only did I meet celebrities (Chad Smith, Pamela Anderson, Pink, Steve Carell...) but I also developed really strong leadership qualities. If I had stayed in California, the manager position would have been mine in a heartbeat.  Now I'm at school, rocking it harder than I ever have before.

My point is this: I've spent too long allowing the events of February 22, 2011 affect me in a negative way.  While I've had good experiences, I haven't been the same person I was before.  I've hidden my confidence and out-going tendencies long enough.  What happened that day with Sam isn't going to dictate how I live my life nor whom I allow myself to get closer to.

Next year on February 22nd, I hope I can look back and say that this was the year I took my life back.


Charlotte said...

You're just stronger for it! Yea, for moving past the past.

Michelle said...

As someone who did the exact same thing as you (different boy) I will say bravo... it feels great to come to this conclusion and that's when real love is going to come for you :) Yay Amanda!