Hardest Year: A review of 2012

January

• Hitting the gym and hitting it hard with Emily 
• D.r.a.m.a
• Realizing that I don't have to put up with people who treat me like I don't matter
• Blanket fort of AWESOME'
• Standing up for myself

February

• Erin's super fun visit to Rexburg!
• Overall jams in 306
• The return of Zombie Sundays
• Superbowl Sunday at Erik's with a TRASHCAN of delicious guacamole
• An awesome trip to California to visit my family

March

• Jetson the altima! I bought him!
• New job at Subway (finally!!)
• Sunday dinners with Mariah and the boys from 211
• HUGE social upswing. What a great month for friends
• Longboarding and unicycling weather

April

• A greater understand of the peace the temple brings
• Falling in love with Bozeman, Montana
• So many credits, so much work, so little time
• Meeting CARLEIGH WALLACE
• Renewed vigor for life

May

• School pressure
• Mother's Day break down
• Days spent in the kitchen 
• Late nights with Carleigh, Vic, and Nate
• Finishing Eng 314 without failing. BOOYA

June

• Bill Cosby. So hilarious.
• Heather in Rexburg!
• Andrew and Brenda's beautiful  reception
• ServSafe certified. Owned it.
• Reconnecting with Justin

July

• Mom's hospitalization. The beginning of an unanticipated road.
• Destroying all the boys at lasertag
• Fourth of July adventure in IF with Carleigh and Madison
• Dark Knight+Carleigh+Chick-Fil-A=Awesome
• Meeting Roger and our fairytale beginning

August

• A trip home to realize the road ahead. And Erik and Ashleigh's wedding!
• Late night pillowtalk with Morgan
• Watching as much of the Olympics with Roger as possible
• White Mystery Airhead taste test experiement and floating the canal
• Storm Chasing

September

• Reunited with dear friends at last!
• The end of some things. The end of Jetson the Altima. The end of my fairytale romance with Roger
• Work ethic like never before.
• Falling in love with Literary Theory
• The feeling of rain mixed with tears

October

• The best conference weekend ever, mixed with the hardest goodbye.
• Facing reality, not wanting to let go of anything.
• Emotional Overload
• My mother's death and funeral. Beautiful and bitterly painful. I miss her so much.
• Inability to function

November

• Saying things I regret, being weaker than I ever wanted to be
• Learning to be more thankful
• Horseback riding with Emily!
• Thanksgiving trip to Utah with Erik and Ashleigh
• Literary hunger. I could live off literature.

December

• Finally selling Jetson
• Completing the hardest semester of my life with a 3.5 GPA
• The return of PINK HAIR!
• A bittersweet Christmas spent learning to love my family even more
• One of the best New Year's of my life.

Through such a tumultuous year, I'm grateful for solid people who've shown love and support through everything I've gone through. I'm blessed to have such choice people in my life.  Thank you!

Let's hope 2013 has better things in store. 

“I'm not just living life, I'm surviving"

If I can get through next week while still maintaining my sanity, I'm fairly certain I can do anything.

Currently I am in class for a total of 23 hours.  After this week, I will drop 12 of those hours because of the two block classes that I have.  On top of that, because of my Advanced Research and Writing class, I'll drop at least 18 hours of researching, writing and rewriting, writing note cards, studying proper MLA formatting, and pouring over plays and poems again and again all week.  I can't wait until this next week is over.  I am going to celebrate with a weekend free of work spent eating Big Jud's, spelunking in the caves, jumping off of sand dunes.  It is going to be seriously awesome.

This has been the most challenging semester of my college career.  I don't have straight A's like I hoped, but I have successfully written several papers, read some fantastic short stories, and made some delicious treats.  An added bonus: I have money in the bank.  Hurray for working while going to school!  I'm thoroughly loving my job.

I would write more, but I'm running out the door to go to work...

"I won't always love what I'll never have"

Today I am twenty-three.

It feels weird to say that I'm twenty-three, since it sounds so adult.  However, I don't feel like I'm that old.  I still feel like an eighteen year old kid.  At the same time, I can look back on what I've accomplished in the past year and I think I've gone leaps and bounds.  Twenty-two was a surprisingly good year.  I think twenty-three will give it a run for it's money.

Here's to another year of adulthood!

“Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught"

It's official: I'm weird.

This weekend I've been musing on the fact that I have a rough draft due tomorrow for my advanced writing class.  I have to pick a poem-any poem, the options are endless-and then find other critiques on it, then disagree with those critiques and then write a paper on that with a new, fresh, never before written take on the poem.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is a huge task.  Granted, the draft is only 1-2 pages of the paper, not a draft of the whole paper... but it's still a big assignment, especially considering I'm a poetry nut and I am so indecisive with picking the poem.  

What does this paper have to do with my weirdness?  I am excited about writing this paper.  It presents a huge challenge and I am through the roof excited to take it on.  I love writing, I've discovered that I love writing papers about literature.  I love it all.  I'm definitely meant to be an English major.  

Hurray for weirdness!

Also, thanks for the prayers and love, everyone.  I've been filled with comfort and I know my mother appreciates all the love and help that our family has received.  She is doing well...I spoke to her yesterday!  Things are looking up.  

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."

This has been a hard week.

I have a very strong attachment to my mother.  She is the one person who has always been there for me without fail.  She's helped my in my most dire situations, comforted me in my most heartbroken moments, and laughed with me about the silliest things.  Despite her frailty, she is my rock.  She always has the soundest advice and can see situations clearly when I'm too caught up in them.  She is the reason I love cooking.  She's the reason I love reading.  She is the reason I love the Gospel so much.  I was raised by her to embrace those things.  Without her, I wouldn't be the kind of woman I am today.

As the years have passed, her condition has further weakened her, causing my heart to ache.  While I took two years off of school, I value those years greatly, since I was home and able to help her all the time.  It was hard and frustrating at times, but now that I'm living fourteen hours away, I'm glad I spent that time at home.

But still, my heart aches to be home.  It's spring break but I've chosen to remain in Rexburg to work and save money.  On Monday my mother suffered a minor stroke, leaving her speech slurred and the mobility of her right side limited.  I feel helpless this far away.  I feel alone.  I feel distraught that I'm not able to offer any sort of aid, that I chose to stay here when I had the opportunity to be in California at her side.  She has been there for me whenever I've needed her, but I feel unable to be there for her.

I've been to the temple numerous times, I've fasted, I've poured my heart out in prayer.  That's the best I can do.  The Lord knows what He's doing.

Photo credit: Miriam  

I stole this from your flickr account.  I'd say sorry, but I'm not.  I love this photo.

"We have heard enough truth and direction in this conference to bring us into the presence of God if we would follow it."

I'm just about to head out the door for work.  I'm bummed, not because I don't get to sleep all day on Saturday, but because I'm going to miss the last half hour of the first session of Conference and also the whole second session.

I don't know if there are words for how grateful I am to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm grateful to be old enough to appreciate Conference and the blessing it is.  Although I was distraught at the idea of speaking in church last Sunday, I'm glad I was assigned the topic of preparing and participating in Conference.  I have a rejuvenated desire to really be involved in Conference.  I love it.  I love the words spoken and I feel as though I've had question answered and have received comfort even from the first few talks.

General Conference is a huge blessing.  It's our King Benjamin Moment.  The Lord is speaking to us directly.

Tune in and participate today and tomorrow.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”

There has been a series of fortunate events in my life these past few weeks.

First of all, I got the job.  I've been working at Subway for about three weeks now and I perpetually smell like  sandwich.  It's a small price to pay, considering I rock that job.  It's fantastic, it fills my free time, and it brings in some pay.  As a poor college student, having any source of income is much appreciated.

Secondly, because I got a job, I turned my search for a car into the real deal.  I made a few phone calls, inspected a car, took it to a mechanic for a better inspection, then bought it.  It feels so grown up, you have no idea.  The car is a '93 Nissan Altima and it needs a little bit of work.  It works well, though, and the price was good for what it needs.  Kelly helped me name him Jetson because of his automatic seatbelts (that only work on the passenger side.)  He's already paid off, I don't need to worry about car payments.  The car insurance I got is such a deal, I was stoked.  I had already gotten quotes from five other agencies, so I almost didn't called them, but I figured I'd do it.  I saved myself over $20 every month.  YEAH!

Next semester I've decided to switch apartments.  It was a sudden decision, sparked by my friend Mariah.  We're not moving very, far, just a building over, but we're excited.  The original plan was to move in together, but we waited too long to make the decision and ended up without the option of moving into the same apartments.  We've settled on being neighbors again, which is alright with me.  I'm mostly just excited for something new, a new ward, and new friends.

Also, I'm excited about spring.  Last weekend it was gorgeous out, so we packed up our blankets and sandwiches and went to the park.  We played bochee ball, frisbee, and most people tried out Kelly's unicycle.  That weekend was a complete tease.  This whole week has been nothing but rainy, windy, and cold days.  I'm so anxious for some sunshine and shorts weather.

But still, life is good.  I love everything right now.

“When the music changes, so does the dance”

I love music and I love working out.  Here are a few of my favorite pandora stations to listen to while at the gym:

• Hey Monday
• Marianas Trench
• Panic at the Disco
• Rilo Kiley
• Neon Trees
• Basshunter (occasionally) 

As of lately both Hey Monday and Marianas Trench have been my go-to stations.  Love 'em.  

In other news, it's almost Spring.  Shmems and I saw a butterfly on our way home from the gym today.  It was a wonderful sign on a gorgeous day.  I'm getting pretty excited for warm weather activities, including laying out, naps at the park, floating the rivers, and goofing off at Rigby Lake.  Do things get better at BYUI than Spring semester?  I'm pretty sure they don't.  

“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire”

I went in for a job interview today with Subway.  Out of the blue yesterday I got a phone call from a gentleman named John who set up the interview.  I was surprised, since I applied nearly two months ago and hadn't heard a peep.  But the interview went well.  No, it went more than well, it went spectacularly.  I completely OWNED that interview.

It's not official, but I'm 99.8% sure that I have the job.  John really liked me, we talked about my hopes of starting a pie shop, and how competitive restauranting is.  He had me perform a test, separating colored golf tees into two bins as fast as possible.  Apparently it's a pressure test to see how someone problem solves.  After that we chatted about my experience with Starbucks and how I learned how to bust out a long line of people in no time.  I don't think "slammed" in Rexburg is the same as "slammed" in Malibu, so I've got no worries about the impending lunch rushes.

Assuming all goes well and I 100% get this job, it's just another testament to me that the Lord watches out for me.  He knows what's best for me, he'll make it work, even if I have to weather a few storms along the way.

Feeling so good today.

February 22nd

February 22nd is a weird day for me.

Last year on this day I felt everything crumble around me.  Everything I had planned up until then no longer mattered.  It's not a big secret, I was really hopeful for when Sam came home in January.  I think that's one of the reasons I put off going back to school.  I wanted to be home when he got home so we could rekindle the kind of relationship we had before, only without the barrier of an impending mission.

Well, that wasn't the case.  February 22nd was the day he told me he had a girlfriend.  For the past year, I've allowed myself to become closed off to those around me, I've become more untrusting of the people who are closest to me, I've become reluctant to care too deeply for anyone.  In some ways it's been my hardest year yet, but in other ways it's been a huge blessing.

Despite all of the emotional changes, the devastation, and abandonment, I've been blessed with so many new experiences.  With nothing holding me back, I made plans and changed them to fit what I wanted and needed.  A year ago today I decided to go back to BYU-Idaho. A week later, I was offered a job at Starbucks, which I accepted immediately.  That job was glorious, albeit challenging.  Not only did I meet celebrities (Chad Smith, Pamela Anderson, Pink, Steve Carell...) but I also developed really strong leadership qualities. If I had stayed in California, the manager position would have been mine in a heartbeat.  Now I'm at school, rocking it harder than I ever have before.

My point is this: I've spent too long allowing the events of February 22, 2011 affect me in a negative way.  While I've had good experiences, I haven't been the same person I was before.  I've hidden my confidence and out-going tendencies long enough.  What happened that day with Sam isn't going to dictate how I live my life nor whom I allow myself to get closer to.

Next year on February 22nd, I hope I can look back and say that this was the year I took my life back.

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof"

This past week I traveled home to babysit my brothers while my Dad and 17 year old brother, Aaron went on a trip to New York. While it was a wonderful visit with my mother, sister, and younger brothers, I found myself rather anxiously awaiting my return to Rexburg.  I think it’s safe to say that is now my home. 

The return trip ended up being a series of events that have reminded me how acutely aware of me the Lord is. 

The roadrunner shuttle that came to pick me up ended up arriving twenty minutes early, before I had gotten home from bidding my adorable nieces and nephew farewell.  When I pulled into the driveway, I got into rush mode.  I ran inside, grabbed my (thankfully) already packed bags, kissed my mother goodbye, and was out the door.  I had just gone grocery shopping and realized I left the bread in my Mom’s car.  As I pulled out my phone to call her to let her know, I realized the keys to her car were in my pocket, on their way to the airport with me.  Luckily we have a spare, so I called home and told her about the bread in the car and the keys in my pocket.  Originally I was going to text her, but I felt a phone call would be better.  Reaching her immediately through a phone call must have been inspired.  She called me back a few minutes later to tell me that while getting the bread from the car, my brother had miraculously decided to look in the center console of the car and found my wallet, which had my ID in it. 

I had a brief freak out moment, but managed to convince the drive that I needed my wallet and we would have to go back to my house, even though we left it twenty minutes earlier.  He was hesitant at first, since we had two other passengers in the shuttle and it was a holiday, which usually means the 101 and 405 are packed.  But we turned around and I traded the car keys (and my mom’s debit card, which I found in another pocket) for my wallet. 

I truly believe that it was the Spirit that whispered to me, “Call mom” and told James to check the car thoroughly.  I also believe that the Lord cleared the holiday traffic; we made it to LAX in less than an hour.  I made my flight no problem at all.

The lesson I learned today was to listen to those odd feelings.  The Lord has a way of working things out, you just have to do your part, even if it’s as simple as making a phone call.

"A mighty pain to love it is"

This is a love poem.  With Valentine's Day on the horizon, I felt it would be appropriate to share it.

The Last Word

Peter Davison

When I saw your head bow, I knew I had beaten you. 

You shed no tear -not near me- but held your neck

Bare for the blow I had been too frightened

Ever to deliver, even in words.  And now,
In spite of me, plummeting it came.
Frozen we both waited for its fall.
Most of what you gave me I have forgotten
With my mind but taken into my body,
But this I remember well: the bones of your neck
And the strain in my shoulders as I heaved up that huge
Double blade and snapped by wrists to swing
The handle down and hear the axe's edge
Nick through your flesh and creak into the block.

It's probably pretty clear how I feel about Valentine's Day.  Don't care for it one bit.

Project Hot Bod 2012

My roommate Shmems (Emily) and I have made the decision to go to the gym every week day this semester.  So far, we haven't missed a single day.  When there's no school, we get up by 10am and head over to the gym our apartment complex has.  We'd go up on campus, but what's the point when we have a perfectly good gym that is hardly ever occupied?  We love it.  We do cardio, stretching, and weights.  This week we're challenging ourselves to stay fifteen minutes longer than we did last week, which felt so good this morning.

I've never been one for the gym.  I've gone in the past, I've tried to get into a habit, but it's never really stuck.  I've never really felt good about going nor had the desire to go back.  This time around, that isn't the case.  I feel great.  I feel the desire to go every day.  If I don't go, like I didn't on Saturday, I feel a little bit lazy and I don't have the same amount of energy.  I've been turned into a believer.

Some of my goals for this year with regards to project hot bod 2012:

• Go to the gym every weekday
• Walk/run at least a mile every day
• No soda, limited juice
• Lots more water
• Only eating out Friday-Saturday night, no exceptions

Having Shmems do this with me is helping me stick to it. 

Booya

“Water is the only drink for a wise man"

I made the goal last November to quit soda for the month.  I think I lasted until the 29th when I got this drink called Purple Stuff because it's kind of the "it" drink in my apartment.  This semester, I'm quitting soda for the whole shebang.  That's right, no soda, no purple stuff, no carbonated water for this girl until April.  That is, if I decide I don't want to extend this.  

Water is the bomb.  I can't get enough, especially here in Rexburg when I never feel hydrated enough.  Bring it on.

"Maybe I'm a girl"

There's a song by Paul McCartney that was covered by the artist Jem called Maybe I'm Amazed and there's a line that says, "Maybe I'm a girl, maybe I'm a lonely girl in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand" and when I listened to that, I thought to myself, "Hey, I think I am that girl." I'm in this stage of life that's so full of crazy, changing things that I really don't know exactly what it is that I'm doing.

There are a lot of things I don't understand.

That being said..."baby, won't you help me understand?"

2011

January

• Culinary Certified.  I'm so legit.
• Compliment of the year at work.  An old man in an ascot told me my smile is worth millions.
• Sam returned after two excruciatingly long years
• Reapplying to BYU-Idaho.  
• Job hunting

February

• Starbucks. They hired me.
• Gs and Gents.  The sickest dance party my house has ever hosted
• Hot tub nights at Jayson's
• Devastation and Katie Roberts being there to comfort me
• Rendevouz

March

• The birth of my niece, Kate!
• Night on the town with the Ladies at Club BANG!
• Monster shots
• Heartbreak and the realization of a long illusion
• Farewell to Brookstone...again.

April

• Six Flags pass!!!!!!
• PINK HAIR
• Heather's WEDDING.  She's MARRIED
• Hockey games, TV shows, late nights at Erik's
• Forgetting

May

• Birthday games of twister
• D-Box theater and Pirates 4.  What a fun night
• Pajamas and parties
• Overly active social life
• Freddie putting up with my cheerful face every.morning.

June

• Afternoon naps in the sunshine
• Midnight trips to the beach
• Hannah moves in!
• Freddie and Lorretto sharing me.
• Zumba dancing in my living room

July

• Dodger Baseball, all you can eat dogs.
• Glow in the dark party a mi casa
• Duke's with Stefanie.  What a perfect evening
• France: It's a dream
• Whipped cream battle of epic proportions 

August

• Cliff jumping
• The day Freddie made me cry at work.  NOT FUNNY
• Purchasing my longboard.   It's so beautiful..
• Monterey trip, complete with penguins, clam chowder, and more exotic cars than I've ever seen before
• Farewell Starbucks, it was a great ride.

September

• Moving back to Idaho.  I followed my gut, it was the right decision.
• Trips to the caves and dance parties (gross!)
• AWESOME Roommates
• Rockin' classes
• Conference Roadtrip.  So much fun.  So much traffic...

October

• Erik's visit: straw maze, dance party, games, Big Jud's, Mesa Falls...
• My first real asthma attack.  It was terrifying
• Zombie Apocalypse.  It happened.
• Nights spent with the 411 guys.  
• Walking Dead Sundays

November

• Friday night sleepovers of awesome
• The cold.  It happened.
• Thanksgiving at home!  What a wonderful trip
• The best pie crust recipe ever.  It's made with lard, so it HAS to be good
• Skrillex and Christmas decorating.  They go hand in hand.

December

• Completely on a whim making one of the best decisions I made all semester (Justin, that's you)
• Finishing the best semester of my life.  Straight A's for this girl :]
• Study parties on campus.  It's where the magic happens
• Provo adventures with Carly Jo
• Finishing off the year happier than I started it, with more to look forward to.

I said many times that 2011 would be my year.  For the most part, it was.  I think it was an introduction to the rest of my life.  

Hello 2012.  

"The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed"

I try to be someone who lives in the present, with an eye on the future.  I try to live as an optimist in everything I do.  I try to "let the dead past bury it's dead" and move on with things.  However, there are times when I slip.  There are times when I let the past get me, when I allow pessimism to creep in.  

The truth is, I can't change how things have gone in my past.  I can't change the way I've acted nor the way others have acted towards me.  It's easy to say that these things are just going to be a part of me and that similar situations are going to have the same results.  It's easy to fall into habits of sadness and low confidence.  It's easy to tell myself that I'm not worth it.  

It's times like this, when I feel as though I've fallen under the spell of looking at my feet instead of forward, when I need most of all to pull out every ounce of effort I have and put it towards looking up with a smile.  I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me.  I am a woman with a bright future, I am above the things and people of the past.  I deserve happiness because I know I am worth it.  

I am worth it.

“A healthy body is a guest chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison”

Yesterday was a pretty good, lazy day.  I ran some errands, I planned on going out to Roscoe's with some friends.  Around 5pm, though, everything took a turn for the worse.  I started to feel sick to my stomach out of nowhere.  I figured I must have eaten one too many rootbeer barrels  but no, it was the stomach flu.

Last night was one of the worst nights I can remember.  I was so so so sick.  I couldn't even keep down two mouth fulls of water, which was all I wanted due to the fact that I was severely dehydrated.  I tried to sleep it off, but I was either too hot or too cold.  I tried a bath, I tried a cold compress.  Nothing was helping.  I was miserable.

By midnight, however, I was able to keep down some water, which I drank greedily.  Around that same time I head noises outside my room and discovered that my younger brother James was sick, too.  By 3am, David joined the ranks of the sick.  It was then that I was able to finally fall into a restful sleep.  5am rolled around and Aaron banged on my door, asking for the medicine.  When I ventured out of bed around 9am, I discovered that my Dad was the only one who remained unscathed by the Stomach Flu of Evil.

Aside from some aches in my body, I feel 100% better.  I'm glad it was a short bug, because last night was honestly terrible.  It was so awful.  And now it's Christmas Eve and my whole family seems disabled.  Everyone is in bed, no one wants to do anything except reel from the night from hell.

Merry Christmas to us.

“There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again"

After one of the longest weekends of my life, I made it home.  No more detours or being crammed in the back of a pick up truck, no more country music, no more numb knees.  Being able to finally crawl into my bed Sunday night was joyous.  I have a really comfortable bed...

Home is where I go to be refreshed.  Home is the place where as soon as I walk in the door and the sound of my suitcase on the tile travels to the back of the house, I hear my father's booming voice shout out, "Heeey!!!"  I dropped my things and ran to my parents room, greeted by brothers and parentals with their arms stretched out wide to catch me.  I was here just a few short weeks ago for Thanksgiving, but it still feels like ages.  To be welcomes home with such vigor was a delight is one of the best feelings.

I'm grateful to be home, I'm grateful for a family that loves me.  I'm grateful for the most comfortable bed in the world.

"Home is where the box is"

Let me tell you about a guy named Justin.  He is hard working and studious (in most of his classes.)  He's reliable and intelligent, funny and sarcastic.  He's motivated and kind.  He likes it when I send him Natalie Dee comics like this one:

When I tell him to treat himself to a slurpee after a grueling test, but the slurpee machine at 7-11 is out of order, he gets creative and buys himself something else then snaps a picture to show me how awesome he is. 

He encourages me to do well on my homework, listens to me talk forever about my family and my crazy roommates.  He keeps me company whilst I study on campus, even though he's not in Idaho.  He swaps new music with me and sends me funny youtube videos.  I could probably go on and on with all the things this kid manages to do from forever far away.  

He's a good listener, he's a good friend.  He wanted a blogpost, so he gets a blog post.  

Today is a good day.