“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again”

I just finished my 25th journal.  It took me nearly a year to fill it and now that it's done I feel almost relieved.  A lot happened in this past year.  Now I literally don't have to carry it around with me.  I was listening to Anberlin's album New Surrender and the song Breathe stuck out to me.  I feel like that song describes how I feel right now.
It's long overdue, but I've finally closed that chapter of my life.  Sam isn't someone I need to waste any more time on.  I don't need to dwell on what happened. I'm free.

Breathe
Anberlin

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.




Hurray for beginning again!

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally"

I believe that every relationship we may encounter in life is something we can learn from.  We can learn to be better friends, more compassionate, less judgmental, more humble, more kind.  Some people are shining examples of what not to be, others are reminders that there are still wholly good people in the world.

Quentin is proof that there are still spiritual, smart, gentlemen around.  He's the kind of guy who holds the door open and wraps his coat around you when you're cold.  He's gentle, but manly.  Spiritual, but light hearted and fun.  He's a great reminder to me that good guys do exist, they're just few and far between.

I'm refreshed and relieved.  The world needs more guys like Quentin in it.

"Dating requires a lot of energy and focus"

I've done a lot of dating in my lifetime. Before I was of the dating age I had my head filled with the whole grandeur of dating and I just longed to be sixteen so I could go to Golf 'n Stuff or make gingerbread houses with the many boys I had crushes on. For the most part, dating hasn't been all that spectacular. It's pretty seldom that I return home from a date all starry eyed and twitterpated. But it's almost equally as seldom when I experience a date that leaves me wishing I had stayed home to knit a sweater for my mother's antisocial cat instead. That being said, let's go over some highlights and lowlights of my dating history. We'll start with the less than impressive dates...

•        I dated this kid the summer after I graduated very briefly.  We went on a few dates, went to some parties, over all, didn't do all that much together.  I'd say it was a filler relationship.  Anyway, we went on a double date with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend.  We went out to dinner and ended up just splitting a dessert because he "just wasn't hungry."   When it came time to pay the bill, this guy literally did a pat down of his pants followed by a shrug and "Whoops.  I forgot my wallet."  We didn't date much longer after that.
•        Another time I went on a fail of a date with an old friend of mine.  We went to the movies and he ended up only having $7 on him.  I paid for the rest of his ticket and my own.  After the movie I drove him back to his house, which was about twenty minutes from the theater, in the opposite direction of his house.  I wasn't all that impressed.
•         I don't know if you know this, but I'm really into baseball.  My boyfriend who lived across the country came to visit me in California, so I took him to a Dodger game.  It was a spectacular game.  The Dodgers won 11-2, with some pretty awesome plays.  I was constantly jumping off the outfield bench to shout and clap and do all those things a baseball fanatic does.  The kid didn't stand up once.  I don't think he even clapped once.  He just wanted to sit on the bench and sulk.  I understand that baseball isn't the most fun sport to watch, but really?  We scored 11 runs!  It was a really eventful game!  I was pretty peeved.  Baseball is something I love.
•        Now, this isn't one specific date, but I just want to say that I think the worst situation is being on a date with someone who is obviously into you, but you're simply not into him.  Maybe it's just me, but I feel bad in those kinds of situation.  I feel bad for the guy who's trying so hard to be smooth and have a kiss at the end of the date.  I feel bad for myself for having to do my best to let the guy down easy.  It's just uncomfortable all around.  

You know, now that I'm trying to think of awful dates I've been on, I'm completely blanking.  I know there are more, probably some horrific ones, but I can't remember them.  Either I'm suppressing the scarring memories, or I'm more into happy memories.  Oh, the happy memories...

•           I dated this one guy up in Idaho who took me on the cheapest date I've ever been on, but easily one of the most fun.  We went to the art building at BYU-Idaho (The Spori) and went to the top floor.  We made paper airplanes and named them outrageous things and then we flew them from the top floor all the way down to the bottom.  Stealth was key, though, because we had to avoid being caught by anyone because I'm fairly certain flying paper airplanes in the Spori is looked down on.  Eventually that ended when we got an airplane lodged on a windowsill on the second story with it's potentially offensive name (not my doing, it was the boy) stuck against the glass for any passersby on the second floor to see.  
•           I went to Mormon Prom my senior year with a really good friend of mine and it was the best dance I've ever been to.  We danced like maniacs and sung Pearl Jam's Last Kiss to each other across the dining room.  No other Prom had a chance of coming close to being as awesome as that one.
• Another awesome date was this one.  I already wrote it all out in great detail, so knock yourself out.  It involves a truck, the rain, a shotgun, and some kids.  
•           Okay, I've been to some great dances.  I went to a Famous Couples dance in Idaho with a kid from my dance class.  Not only were we two of the best dancers there, I'm quite partial to our costumes. 

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.  A peek into the best and worst of my dating history.  There are more stories for either side so perhaps one day I'll post a part 2.