“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again”

I just finished my 25th journal.  It took me nearly a year to fill it and now that it's done I feel almost relieved.  A lot happened in this past year.  Now I literally don't have to carry it around with me.  I was listening to Anberlin's album New Surrender and the song Breathe stuck out to me.  I feel like that song describes how I feel right now.
It's long overdue, but I've finally closed that chapter of my life.  Sam isn't someone I need to waste any more time on.  I don't need to dwell on what happened. I'm free.

Breathe
Anberlin

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.




Hurray for beginning again!

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction”

Remember that one time I said I go with my gut?  Yeah, carpe diem seems to be the driving factor behind many of the things that I do. 

I was planning on moving to France in January.  I was really excited, I looked into a lot of costs and I dug out my old passport.  At the time, I really felt good about it because it was time that I did something.  Living at home, working at Starbucks was getting monotonous and I needed a change of scene, a change of people.  France sounded great.  France still sounds great.

I'm not where I was in August when I made that decision.  I feel as though I've undergone an internal change between then and now, understanding more who I am, who I want to be, and what direction I'm heading.  I know now that I'm a better student, more prepared for life at BYU-Idaho.  I've made some connections out here in Idaho with people who work at the local bakers and I feel strongly that I'm going to find a job for the winter. 

Yep, I'm staying in Idaho.  I've signed a contract, its a done deal.  I feel kind of bad for backing out of the France plan, but financially it wasnt going to work out.  It costs a lot of money to travel and live overseas.  Besides, living here in Idaho makes sense.  I'm doing well in school, I have solid friends, and its hard to beat the spirit in this town.  I feel uplifted by the people that surround me and I feel happy.

I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  Things are turning around and working out for me.  It's about time, life.  Let's keep things going this way.

"Feeling a little blue in January is normal"

Suddenly I've found myself on January 5, 2011 wondering how on earth I got here.  I feel like time just slipped through my fingers, but I was too busy looking somewhere else to even notice it passing.

Where did Thanksgiving go?  Christmas?  New Year's?  All throughout this holiday season I felt anxious for the actual holiday.  I felt them sneaking up on me, making my mind swirl with how quickly they were approaching.  And then they were gone.  Done.  So much anticipation and preparation for events that stuck around so briefly, I hardly even noticed them.  Don't get me wrong, I had wonderful holidays and I remember them fondly.  I'm just dumbfounded that they're already gone.  That we're already hurdling through 2011 and, before you know it, we'll be preparing for the holidays again.

2011 is going to be my year.  I don't know what is going to happen to make it so, but I can just feel it.  I'm so close to a pivotal moment of my life.  Maybe it's going back to college, maybe it'll moving away from home, maybe it'll be switching jobs.  I've already started the application process so I can be prepared for school in the Fall.  I'm already thinking about cars I might want to buy.

I'm excited for this year.  Kind of sad that last year is already over, but I'm ready for the changes that await me.

2011, show me what you got.